Contemplations Over A Little White Stick
by I.Am.Molly
Summary: Penny takes a few minutes to think over her past. One shot.


**I wrote this little one shot while I was away and it's been sitting on my computer ever since because I couldn't think of a name to give it. Finally I thought of something and voila! Here is it! Hope y'all enjoy!**

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><p><span><strong>Contemplations Over a Little White Stick<strong>

The sun was just beginning to set outside Penny's window in Pasadena, giving the room a dull glow of orange and red as she sat dead still and cross-legged in the middle of her bed. Hands clasped in her lap and eyes closed, she slowly took in a long, deep breath through her nose, letting it out moments later through her mouth. This was something she would do quite frequently to calm her nerves – which were thumping hard through her veins right now - usually before going on stage or for an audition, and it often worked, relaxing her just enough to allow her to perform at her best, but this was a different kind of nerves she was feeling, and no matter how much she attempted to calm herself, her heart still pounded in her ears and her stomach still turned uncomfortably.

Not that it really made any difference. No matter how calm or stressed she was, it wouldn't change what was about to happen – or not happen for that matter. She supposed this should make her feel a little better. Knowing that there was nothing she could do now to change what was coming, but in fact it didn't help at all. If anything it made her feel worse.

With a slight growl of frustration, her brows now furrowed tight together, she shifted her weight on her bed, pulling her crossed legs closer to her as she restarted the breathing process in the faint hope it would calm her down. Though, as expected, it didn't, and she cracked opened one eye to take a quick look at the timer on her phone that was now creeping closer and closer to zero, her stomach doing a horrible flip at seeing just how much time had passed since she last looked.

Quickly, she shut her eyes tight again. Refusing to take even a seconds glance at the stick that sat in front of her, just inches from her feet, highlighted by the slither of light coming through the slightly cracked open bathroom door as if it knew just how important that piece of plastic was. A little under 55 seconds and that little stick would tell her the news that could shake up her whole world.

For a moment her thoughts drifted to the few other times she had gone through this. Registering immediately just how different it felt now in comparison. She no longer had the dumb cockiness and ignorance to the magnitude of the situation that came with being a popular seventeen-year-old cheerleader with a hot boyfriend by her side. She had told herself back then that she probably wasn't pregnant because they had been smart, they always used condoms. She wasn't like the other girls in her year. She _always _made sure they used protection. Granted, there _had_ been that one time in his Jacuzzi… But that wasn't _planned_, it just sort of happened… and besides, Laurie Simmons had told her and the rest of the cheerleading squad during practice one time that you couldn't get pregnant if you had sex in water anyway. So that time didn't really count.

Despite her confidence in Laurie's misguided reassurances however, Penny had never been more relieved in her life to see that single blue line that indicated she wasn't pregnant after all, and immediately celebrated by calling over a couple of her friends and opening a stolen bottle of her parent's wine. Vowing never _ever _to have sex without protection again. _Even _in the Jacuzzi.

After wondering briefly how she could ever have been so naive to believe Laurie's claims and shaking her head just a little, she thought of the next time when she had had to take this gut-wrenching test. This time she was a little older - though not much wiser considering she was dating Kurt - and although she would never admit it at the time, she was just as naïve.

That same fear that trickled inside her when she was seventeen and poured throughout her body now, was present back then too, but this time it had been mixed with a whole lot of hopeful and stupidly naive 'what if's'. What if becoming a father made Kurt a better person? What if it made him stop going out with his friends so much and spend more time at home with her and their baby? What if having this incredibly special bond with her made him realise just how much he loves her? Surely it would make him delete those girls numbers off his phone that he had said he would do so long ago? What if, on the whole, having a child brought them closer together and made them into a real family?

The only real downside she had allowed herself to see at that point in time was that having a child would most definitely halt her acting career for at_ least_ a few months. And The Cheesecake Factory pay-check that she received hardly stretched enough to pay all her bills as it was, bringing a child into the mix wouldn't exactly help that.

In the end though, that test - and a few others that she had taken throughout those 'Kurt' years - had turned out to be negative too. And thank _God_, because she could see now how silly those 'what if' thoughts had been and knew now, with the gift of hindsight, that bringing a child into their relationship would only have made things worse. Not only would he still more than likely have cheated on her, but she would have been attached to that piece of crap for the rest of her life.

But this time was entirely different. This time she was all too aware of the magnitude of the situation she was in. This time she didn't have a boyfriend and she knew, this time, without a shadow of doubt, that the man who may or may not soon be a father, would make an excellent one if he was.

Instead of comforting her though, this thought saddened her, because he didn't deserve to have his first child like this; the result of a drunken mistake. Born into a family that was already broken. No matter how happy the news of her carrying his baby would make him - and she knew him well enough to know that it would make him _extremely _happy no matter how complicated the situation was - he deserved better.

Various flashes of the night of that drunken mistake came flooding back to her in that moment; being up on that rooftop, trying to ignore the fire that was beginning to burn within her as Leonard spoke so passionately, so knowledgeably, about the reason he and his friends were up there in the first place; then later on in the evening trying to ignore Zach's insane stupidity, trying over and over again to think instead of how sweet he was and of the muscular body that hid itself under those clothes, and turning to drink whenever those thoughts somehow always led to Leonard instead.

What came next was majorly fuzzy. Something she had to thank the excessive amounts of alcohol she had that evening for. What she _could_ remember was leaving the party alone and knocking on Leonard's door instead of going into her own. Leaving Zach was a memory that completely evaded her, as well as what it was she had said to Leonard as she swayed drunkenly at his doorway.

An involuntary smirk hit her lips as she remembered what she could of what came next; her body pressed up against his. Stumbling to his bed as she fumbled to undo the knot in his robe. Giggling as he hungrily kissed her body and pulled off her clothes with urgency she hadn't seen in him since they had first dated. A fleeting memory of her yelling a drunken and pleasure filled 'Yee-haw!' came to mind, as it had done many times since that night, and she cringed just as she did each time she remembered; hoping with all hope that she had simply imagined that and she hadn't _actually_ said it. Then her cringe softened into a smile as she vaguely remembered laying her head down on his chest to drift off to sleep with a smile of intense satisfaction on her face.

That was probably the last time since that night that she had fallen asleep so easily. After that, everything changed, and she knew it was her fault. In her drunken state she had led him to believe that they would begin to work things out. That their night of passion meant that she was just as eager as he was for them to become boyfriend and girlfriend again. But she wasn't, and, although unintended, she let him know just that in probably the worst way possible. She managed to ease her guilt about this by telling herself that he shouldn't have expected to have such a conversation when he knew she would be incredibly hung-over, and that he shouldn't have jumped to such a conclusion so quickly anyway. He always overthought things, and that wasn't _her _problem; it was his. It was a one-night stand with an ex - that was all. Something that had happened - sometimes on more than one occasion - with most of her other ex's. This time wasn't any different to those.

And yet even as she thought it she knew it wasn't true. Leonard _was _different to the others. It was part of what drew her to him in the first place, and part of the reason that this was so hard.

At that thought she cracked her eye open again to check the timer on her phone, groaning quietly when she saw only zeros.

This was it.

This was the moment in which her and Leonard's life could change forever. He could be about to be the man that she was attached to for the rest of her life. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing though, she told herself. She cared for Leonard, despite everything that had happened between them, and he would make a great father. Definitely better than any of her other boyfriends would have been. But it was so complicated. So confusing. If they had been a couple it might have been easier, but they weren't, and she didn't want them to be. They were better off as friends, despite the obvious attraction they both still had for each other; an attraction that she could just about control until alcohol became involved.

Alcohol. That was another thing that the result of this little test would change. It had played such a huge part in her life recently that she was sure she would miss it more than she would have at any other point in her life. Though she was reluctant to admit it, she _had_ been drinking more since the break up. More than she had after any other break up. In fact, almost everything about her and Leonard's separation was different to the rest. For one thing, she missed him more than she had anyone else. She hadn't just lost a boyfriend, she had lost one of her best friends. It was harder to get over him too, because she didn't have the luxury of living far away from him. Every now and again they would bump into each other and would be coldly reminded of just how close they used to be by how awfully awkward they both were with each other now. Yet, as much as she hated those awkward silences, she was sure that if he were to be cut out of her life completely it would hurt so much more.

Another difference was the lack of rebound sex. Gone were the days of getting over an ex with a weekend of binge sex with a stranger. Zach had been the only one to come remotely close to getting her going, and still he had failed to get her out of anything other than her shoes. She hadn't even _kissed _anyone other than Zach since she had been with Leonard, for reasons that she refused to let herself ponder for too long. Afraid of the explanations her and her heart might come up with.

But she couldn't focus on that right now. Right now she had an answer to a huge question in front of her that she still hadn't acknowledged.

_Just do it… Just look… Waiting won't change the answer… The sooner you look the sooner you know and this could all be over… Just like the other times…_

With her encouraging thoughts in her head, she took one last deep breath and found it within her to open her eyes and stare down at the white plastic stick.

'Not Pregnant'

The words she had been hoping for, yet instead of being hit with the familiar wave of relief that she usually felt at this result, she felt something else. Her heart had fallen into her stomach, her throat tight and lumpy and her eyes stinging with an unmistakable feeling, an emotion that she hadn't counted on feeling.

Disappointment.


End file.
